Eggplant Emoji

The eggplant emoji thoroughly gets disrespected in my phone at least 2-3 times per day. I'm sure the makers of the emoji app didn't intend for it to be used to describe the most delicious part of a man's body. However, the strong resemblance has forced it to be the trending topic of many ratchet text messages as well as IG posts. Since were on this very interesting topic, I feel the need to gives updates on some of the eggplants in my life.

Jay Z seems to be the fan favorite so I'll start with him. I've allowed most of my friends to continue to believe that everything is still good between us but the truth is he has been consistently been dropping the ball. I threw him a slow underhanded pitch and he fumbled. I know I'm referencing two completely different sports right now but that's how our situationship is set up. We're on two completely different levels. Everything was great in the beginning! We saw each other almost everyday but now our encounters are basically non existent. As soon as I noticed he was starting to be distant, I got ghost. Jay Z noticed my lack of interest and invited me over to try to change my mind. I agreed to linking up with him because his head game is still fire and I thought it would be a suitable parting gift. When I got there I smelled candles burning and heard music playing in the background. Was this fool really trying to be romantic when he knew I was mad at him? Bruh just lick me so I can go home!  I could tell there would be no reconciliation of our issues if I left it up to him; so I immediately blew out the candles and hit him with the world's most annoying phrase, "We need to talk". He promised to do better but I haven't seen much effort on his end. He still sends me Good Morning texts everyday but they are followed by complete silence until the next morning. No worries though. The only man in my life that's irreplaceable is my father so I have absolutely no problem occupying my time with others until he gets his life together. Dah well! On to the next one.

Klark Kent has always been my back up bae but he's been acting really weird lately. When we first met I told him about my situation with Jay Z and he basically said that he didn't care. He was open and honest about his hoe-ish ways and there was no judgement on my end. We jokingly call each other Twin because we basically live the same lifestyle. But he seems to get a little jealous every time I spend time with other men. He's been trying to slide in little pet names in like "boo thang" and "baby" too and I'm thoroughly confused. A couple of months ago I told him that I was a "head no headache" type of girl which means that I'm not interested in being in a committed relationship. Klark, extremely turned on by my statement, ensured me that we were on the same page but I think he's starting to want more. The other day he opened up to me letting me know how good it feels to be with a woman that really understands him. In return, I opened my legs and climbed on top of his face. That was the only proper response I could think of at that moment because I desperately needed to change the subject. Although I do feel like he's the only one that understands me as well, I'm not about that girlfriend life. I have entirely too many issues that I need to sort through before I decide to invite anyone into my life. 

Speaking of issues, I recently did a little experimenting with a friend that shall remain nameless at this time. It was on some drunk stuff so I semi have an excuse. The problem is that I kind of want to do it again. This friend has DANGER written all over their body! This has to be the worst decision that I've made all year. I'm sure the consequences will be ridiculously overwhelming but that probably won't deter my continuos curiosity.

As the new year approaches, I've found myself evaluating my life choices. In addition to declaring to drop some pounds I need to drop some of these lame excuses for men as well. Their eggplants have been my choice of comfort food while trying to adapt to living in Atlanta. They seems to help me cope with my insecurities and lack of financial stability but it's about time that I change my eating habits.

“Food is the most primitive form of comfort.” -Sheilah Graham

Twitter: @Dope_Decisions

IG: @DopeDecisions

Blog: DopeDecisions.blogspot.com

Blog: DopeDecisions.wordpress.com

Hallelujah, Holiday Parties and Hoes

God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good! I finally have a job! I had become abnormally brilliant at being a bum so this new job is definately a change of pace. I landed a position at one of the top HBCUs in the country. Although I’m extremely grateful that God has blessed me with some income, I’d be lying if I said I was completely in love with my job. I’ve been trying not to complain because having a job is way better than being broke. Also, this is only a temporary position so I won’t have to deal with the shenanigans for long. However, I’m not sure if constantly feeling like the Olivia Pope of my department is worth the few coins they throw at me every other Friday. I have to fix all the problems that arise and everyone’s lack of planning suddenly becomes my emergency. At least Olivia’s work environment provides her with stress relievers in the form of men. Don’t get me wrong there are some gorgeous guys here but the problem is they are more interested in my shoes than they are me. So the lack of love interests and the heightened stress level at my job have encouraged the party girl in me to come out more often.

Judy and I went out for Halloween a few weeks ago. As a child I was never really allowed to fully celebrate what was often referred to as the “devil’s holiday”. Now that I’m grown I took full advantage of finding a naughty costume and pairing it with some “come and get me” heels! Getting all dolled up and kicking it with my girls helped me get my mind off the woes of the workplace. I twerked my butt off that night and felt pretty darn good about my life choices. So good in fact that I decided to behave the exact same way at Judy’s office holiday party. It was there that I unwilling got chose by a lesbian and successfully eye banged the guy in the white and black bow tie. He is one of Judy’s coworkers and may need a nickname if he keeps flirting with me. Although he’s fine, I shouldn’t be trying to add anymore entertainment to my plate right now. Especially since my hoes are currently out of control.

All the men in my life have been acting up lately but one in particular is doing the most right now. This blast from the past has taken hoedom and disrespect to the next level. I cannot believe Usher just got engaged! I’m completely and utterly disturbed for two reasons. Number 1: I’m back in the Midwest for Thanksgiving and I only had two things on my mind: Fried turkey and Usher’s penis. I was gonna try to set up a secret rendezvous with him but now that’s clearly not gonna happen! Number 2: Although my character hasn’t been angel-like lately, specifically when it comes to men, I never have and never will sign up to be anybody’s side chick. Damn, now I’m really feeling like Olivia Pope except I had no clue that he had a girlfriend. Of course I knew I probably wasn’t the only one making him cum. However, I was under the assumption that he was just a hoe out here sowing his royal oats. But no, he was clearly cheating on his chick the entire time. I don’t get it. There are so many different types of situationships that this new world generation of Thots (that hoe over there) have created to make being committed a non-issue. So I’m having a hard time comprehending why he would intentionally be in a relationship with her when he knew he was going to mess around with me and all the others. We were going to have a threesome for his birthday for goodness sakes! I feel so sorry for his fiancé. I wonder if she knows about his infidelity. If the walls of his apartment could talk they’d tell tales of our shadows becoming one and of our moans disturbing the neighbors. If the walls of my playhouse could talk they’d be in therapy right now trying to erase the memory of his existence.

“Things are not always as they seem; the first appearance deceives many”-Phaedrus

Identity Theft

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Somewhere along the drive from the Midwest to Georgia I lost my identity. The same Genesis that was a frequent church goer now makes frequent trips to the liquor store. Judy and I visit a different service every Sunday in hopes of finding a home church. Sadly, our Atlanta Church Tour has proven to be unsuccessful. I can't really find a church that I can connect with. I'm not sure if it's because I miss my home church or because I've fallen so far from glory that I'm unable to feel comfortable around other believers. My light is no longer shining brightly like theirs is. Mine is kind of flickering like ol' dude from The Last Dragon when he was about to fight Bruce Leroy.  I need Jesus more than ever right now!

My actions over the course of the past few weeks have been completely and utterly reckless. Although Jay-Z's tongue seems to be a pleasurable weapon of mass destruction, I shouldn't have allowed him to taste me so quickly. I've done some pretty off the wall things in my life but giving my body to a "stranger" takes the cake. I really like him but I'm afraid his image of me has been distorted. The other day I didn't respond to his Good Morning text so he followed up with a message that read: " Lol. I'm used to hearing from you in the morning so when I don't, I think you twerked and drank the night away". I was so embarrassed. Even though he began his text with an official "lol", which is normally used to numb the effect of the upcoming blow, my conscious was still disturbed. He can't be blamed for his ill perception of me because that's what I've been putting out in the atmosphere. I've drank about 15 bottles of wine in the 7 weeks I've been here. And the fact that he knows I take pole and floor dance classes every week is not helping either. I yearn for his acceptance but I believe my ratchetness is going to run him away sooner or later. In an attempt to try to avoid the future pain and embarrassment of losing him, I've been occupying my mind and my time with other men.

The last time I partied at Edgewood, my soror introduced me to her boyfriend's fraternity brother. He's tall with chocolate skin and dimples. He also has a strong, square chin that is reminiscent of a Super Hero's. I'd sign up to be Klark Kent's damsel in distress any day.  Apparently he had been asking my soror about me since the first time we met. She knew I was curious too so she set up a little get together for us to accidentally run into each other again. As soon as we locked eyes I knew I was in trouble. I have a horrible sweet tooth and chocolate has always been my choice of indulgence.  Klark poured me a drink then poured on the charm. I could tell that he's never been tamed by a woman and the idea of that challenge thoroughly intrigued me. After a few drinks we ended up  tasting each other's lips. The shenanigans surely continued for the rest of the night. There I was in the middle of the club kissing, grinding and rubbing on this chocolate man. He took my hand and moved it slowly down the imprint in his jeans. I felt like the Energizer Bunny because my hand kept going and going and going. He's blessed! I couldn't help but fantasize about all of the dope decisions that I could make with this third leg that I just discovered. The lack of discretion was somewhat alarming. Why was I so comfortable being "that" girl? Is this who I've become? I often feel like I'm taking selfies in a dirty, cracked mirror. My image tainted and my confidence is shattered. Unfortunately they haven't invented the filter that can cover up emotional scars yet. 

"I'm only a Sunday church party girl in a twisted ménage trios with a director and a rockstar!"

Situationships

I think Jay-Z is really in to me! We exchanged numbers on Friday night before I "played footsie" with the toe sucker. Jay-Z already had plans for Saturday but asked if he could take me on a date on Sunday after church. I was super excited. It felt good to be asked on a real date instead of being asked to just hang out. We went spiked punch tasting. As much wine as I drink you would think that my tolerance would be higher than it is. I was beyond tipsy at the tasting but managed to maintain my sexy by not stumbling over my words or my own two feet. One of the punches reminded me of the drink my Granny makes for us at Christmas dinner. She ain't slick! I had a feeling she was putting more than just pineapple juice in there. Although I wasn't acting a hot drunken mess, he could tell that I was feeling the alcohol so he took me to dinner to sober me up. He had the nerve to pay for dinner as well as pay attention! I know I shouldn't be this surprised but Gentleman are an endangered species nowadays. 

After dinner, we went back to his place for a night cap. Two movies, several forehead kisses and a back rub later, it was clear that I wouldn't be sleeping in my own bed that night. He kept his hands to himself but told me the dopest bed time story ever!  It consisted of his attraction for me and the things that he would do to me if given the opportunity. His words were reminiscent of the Phenomenal Woman poem; except his version had popped a few esctasy pills. My excitement leaked through my laced underwear as well as the basketball shorts that he let me borrow. It was clear that we both wanted the same thing but Genesis was in full control that night and didn't allow anything to happen. 

A couple of days later my presence was requested for another movie night. After 45 minutes of Siri's shenanigans, I finally made it to his place. He greeted me with a big hug and a kiss. We tried to watch the movie but it didn't end up working in our favor. We did, however, make love faces until about three in the morning. This was not supposed to happen. I'm in between waxes so my "lioness" was not as tamed as it needed to be. That didn't stop him though. He was fearless and definitely came dressed for battle. After we celebrated the triumph, I hopped in the shower to cleanse myself of my most recent impurities. I found myself laughing audibly about the irony that I had already named him Jay-Z. His reaction to my head game was equivalent to the Drunk In Love verse, "I do say it's the ish, if I do say so myself". But my laughter was soon silenced by what I like to call Basic Female Syndrome (BFS). It's when chicks feel the need to ask unnecessary questions like, "so what are we"? I've known this man for all of five minutes so I'd feel stupid asking him where this is going. A part of me was already feeling dumb for giving it up so easily and didn't need another dagger in my self esteem. However my Stunt Double was satisfied with life and went to bed without a care in the world. 

The morning after is always tricky. I got up, got dressed and left his apartment quickly as if I were late to work something. It reminded me of an episode of Martin because he was looking at me like "you ain't got no job man"! When I got home I looked at my phone to find a text message from him saying "You're amazing! I can't wait to see you on Thursday". Shoont! I forgot we had already made plans to watch Scandal prior to me letting him explore my body. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with him again so soon. I didn't want him to expect anything or think that this is more than what it really is. Although my experiences with him have been wonderfully delicious, it doesn't negate the fact that we met about a week ago *insert shmoney dance here*. In Steve Harvey's best selling book, Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady, he basically tells women that until your boo has truly fulfilled his destiny as a man, he will be too busy to focus on you. Well clearly the roles have reversed and I'm temporarily sabotaging myself because I'm not satisfied with my life. I've finally been receiving some positive feedback on my applications, but until I have a guaranteed salary and an insurance package I won't be able to fully focus on one man. Darn! So much for trying to turn a hoe into a Real Housewife of Atlanta. 

"Situationship (n.): dynamics that are based on sexual compatibility, habit, and fear of loneliness"

12-Hour Excursion

The issue with my tire had me all types of depressed. My car is the only thing around here that keeps me sane. It helps me get out the house after a long day of solitude and self reflection. I really didn't want to spend my Friday night feeling sorry for myself so I asked Judy if I could borrow her car. She obliged and by 10 pm I was "snatched" and headed out the door. My soror asked me to pick up Shemar Moore on my way to her apartment. There's only one word to describe Shemar.....Yum! He is light skin with pretty eyes and runs his own small business. Um where do I sign up? Within a few minutes of us being together I could tell there was a mutual attraction. This could be dangerous. As soon as we got in his apartment, he took off his shirt and walked around a few times pretending to look for something to wear. I knew his real motive and thanked him silently under my breath for the eye candy. The car ride was full of compliments and intelligent conversation. By the time we got to our destination I was feeling a little special. However, that feeling was short lived once I found out that all the compliments and energy he was giving me was far from being exclusive. He's a flirt and a good one at that. This was very evident by the smiles that he put on all the girls faces that night. I'm a flirt too so his actions didn't bother me. Especially since I was catching the attention of a few other guys that night as well.

After my crew took their rounds of tequila shots, we decided to head to the bars on Edgewood. We linked up with two other gentleman along the way. One of them basically ended up being Bae the whole night. I call him Jay-Z because he's grown and is about his business but still knows how to turn up! Plus, he's by far the dopest dude I've met in ATL since I've been here. We engaged in small talk as we waited to get inside the bar.  He used the crowded line as an opportunity to get close and accidentally rub up against me. I had no complaints. When we finally got inside the bar I couldn't seem to keep my booty off of him. Twerking has been a habit as of late. After about three solid twerk session he's whispering in my ear trying to get me to leave with him. Although talks of calling Uber and going to Waffle House sound enticing, it's best that we stay with the group. Besides it was about 4:00 AM and nothing holy nor acceptable happens at those hours of the night.

About an hour later we all finally got back to my soror's apartment. The crew dispersed and went their separate ways but I was exhausted so driving back to my place was completely out of the question. I found myself faced with the choice of sharing a bed with my soror or sharing the couch with Shemar. Of course my Stunt Double picked the second option. Two is her favorite number so it was only right. Besides, I figured we would just cuddle until we fell asleep but apparently he had other plans for me. He grabbed my ankles, pulled me toward him and began sucking my toes! I had no idea what was going on but was thoroughly thankful that I had gotten a pedicure earlier that week. The toe sucking experience was a great one but I felt like we weren't on the same page about what would happen next. In the midst of me slowly trying to remove myself from the situation I heard him unzip his zipper. Nervous energy overwhelmed my body. He grabbed my feet again and gently used them to give himself a foot job. This was my first time experiencing this style of sex. I love trying new things so I allowed him to temporarily use my feet for his pleasure. Sadly, this new experience didn't turn me on at all so I gave him the "let's not and say we did" speech then just went to sleep. I could tell he was salty but at that point I was just too tired to care. We returned back to our side of town around 10:00AM the next morning. He said less than five words to me the whole way back to his apartment. He claimed it was because he was sleepy but I know the truth. Dudes are quick to catch an attitude when you don't give them want they want. And I'm quick to cut people off when they start acting funny so it seems to me that this is a win win situation. Oh well, on to the next one.

It's a no text zone, it's a no sex zone, it's a no flex zone-Nicki Minaj

Displaced

The city of Atlanta houses many of the corporate offices for some of the top corporations in the United States. Earlier this week I received notification that my application to the headquarters of a fast food joint had been rejected. How does that happen? I mean seriously! Fast food is the guaranteed go to job when you're searching for employment. I understand the corporate office holds individuals to higher standards but I never imagined getting swiped denied by a fast food organization. I feel lower than low right now. It's not like I'm unqualified. I have a MBA for goodness sake! My pride won't let me call them and ask why they didn't want me. I need a drink in the worst way; however I've decided to abstain from wine this week after I drunk dialed Stephan and sent a tipsy text to my ex. Those drunken decisions are guaranteed to yield a couple of uncomfortable situations for me in the future. 

Speaking of uncomfortable situations, Judy dropped a bomb on me this week. More than likely she is going to be moving back to the Midwest very soon. She has a very legit reason for wanting to move. Honestly if I was in her situation I would leave too. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't selfishly sad right now though. She's been letting me occupy her guest bedroom so if she leaves before I have a job, I'm basically going to be homeless. Not to mention, she's my only friend here and I'll be super lonely when she's gone. I've already been missing my friends from back home but this makes me miss them that much more.

It also doesn't help that I've already been feeling like a half ass friend lately. My friend C.J. recently got engaged and I feel like crap because I can't be there to help her plan. I probably won't have enough money to fly back to watch her try on dresses or just help with the other regular best friend duties. She's always been there for all of my important moments and I feel like I'm dropping the ball right now. My other best friend, Destiny, is about to celebrate her bday and this will be the first time I won't be with her to hit our signature happy dance. All of my friends know that I treat birthdays like national holidays so the fact that I won't be there is eating me up on the inside.

So with no job, minimal local friends and potentially no where to stay, I must admit that I'm feeling a tad bit defeated. And on top of all that, I'm having issues with one of my tires and may need to buy a new one. That's an expense that I clearly wasn't prepared for.  I'm overwhelmed right now and just want to go to sleep. Prayerfully tonight's dreams will be better than today's reality.

Defeat should never be a source of discouragement but rather a fresh stimulus- Robert South 

I need a BAEcation

The guys here are different to say the least. I ventured out to Perimeter Mall the other day and counted at least 10 homosexuals in the 30 minutes that I was there. I couldn't stay long because my gaydar was about to shut down from information overload. Thank God my spidey senses actually work now because Lord knows I've been wrong before.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic at all. I actually enjoy a little gay energy every now and then. Their compliments make you feel like a billion bucks. A "Yaaassss Honey" from a gay man is a certified seal of approval! Although they are good for self esteem and entertainment purposes, they can not give me the male attention that my body is currently yearning for.

Lately, I've been experimenting with Tinder which to me is the world's most shallow matchmaking app. It's a platform for boredom and thirst in my opinion. It connects its users' Facebook profiles and allows the interested parties to send each other messages. The messaging section is filled with non witty comments and pleas to exchange phone numbers. Needless to say I'm extremely unimpressed with my matches (or Tinderonis as my friends and I like to call them). Judy is not a fan of social dating apps so she's been doing her due diligence to introduce me to some of the guys in her crew. The problem here is that most of these dudes have already smashed her homies. I know that Judy's friends are not necessarily my friends but I don't want to bump va jays jays with any female that will eventually be a part of my kick it circle.  That's extremely messy and I don't need that type of drama in my life. So with Tinder and these introductions being an epic fail, I have nothing left to do but fantasize about my faux boo.

Usher and I used to have a standing appointment every Tuesday. It's been exactly a month since the last time I mounted his Black Beauty and the withdrawal symptoms are definitely starting to kick it.  Oh how I've missed our weekly Turned Up Tuesday sessions. In preparation for our encounters I had to do a lot of stretching. That man use to fold me up like origami pieces and I loved every minute of it. I also made sure to eat fruit and drink plenty of water so that I would be deliciously moist for out upcoming appointment. I thoroughly enjoyed satisfying his sweet tooth with my tasty chocolate cake. Hmm maybe living in the Midwest wasn't so bad. Maybe I should have stuck it out, at least until cuffing season was over. Here I go doubting myself again. My lack of physical satisfaction has me all in my feelings. Hopefully I'll meet someone with potential soon. If not, I'll be on the first flight back to enjoy my own personal Usher concert!

The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs- D.H. Lawrence 

See The Way My Bank Account Is Set Up

I’ve been in Atlanta for a little over two weeks now and I’ve found myself experiencing writer’s block. There hasn’t been a lot of interesting adventures for me to write about lately because I do the same thing every single day. The whole point of this move was to step outside of my comfort zone, not to pack it up and take it with me. My daily routine basically includes reading my bible, going to the gym then searching for employment. Although most of those activities enhance me spiritually and physically, I doubt I can deposit those enhancements into my bank account. Your girl is going to need some coins very soon if I want to be able to live comfortably. Atlanta is so far from being a cheap city it’s ridiculous.

So until I can find a full time gig with benefits I may need to dabble in a few part time positions. But what is there to do? What am I qualified for? I guess I could be an exotic dancer. I’m an aspiring twerkoholic anyway. I have the stripper kick down but my ability to throw my assets in a circle is not up to par. Plus I’m only sexy on accident. When I actually try to be sexy it never works out in my favor. I can just see myself sliding and falling off the pole because I put on baby oil before my performance. And we’re not even going to talk about my lack of upper body strength. However, I signed up for a pole dancing class this weekend and if they put a gold star by my name, you may see me in a strip joint near you.

I also contemplated being a flight attendant. This would be a perfect way for me to fly back to see my family and friends for free! However, I don’t know how I feel about being couped up with a bunch of strangers with no easy escape route. I’m currently in the honesty phase of my life and I’ve realized that I don’t like a lot people for real. I just don’t have enough fake energy to maintain a bubbly personality all day. On top of that I’m not sure the airlines would pay me enough to deal with the different attitudes that I might encounter. Last but not least, I’m afraid of heights so my fantasy of being a sexy Stewardess has gone completely out the window unless it’s this year’s Halloween costume.

Being a club promoter or a personal trainer also crossed my mind but I’m definitely not built for that either. I always feel thoroughly disrespected when someone hands me a flyer after the club. I usually have my keys in one hand and my phone in the other trying to figure out which one of my boos is still up. The flyer gets all in my way and usually ends up in the floor anyway. Why would I now consider being one of those people that ruins the post club choosery experience? In order to become a personal trainer I would have to be, I don’t know….fit! Don’t get me wrong, I’m fierce in the worst way but I still jiggle in some places that shall remain nameless. Also, if my trainee is fine I may or may not get in trouble for indecent exposure. If these are the only part time options that I can think of, my life is not headed towards greatness. I need to figure something out though because time is winding down and so is my bank account.

"Bandz a make her dance"-Juicy J

Squares in their Circle

After being in ATL for almost a week my accomplishments include taking selfies, sipping wine, avoiding the walk of shame and successfully slipping away from a lesbian's grasp. At this very moment I'm feeling like a certified bum. Now granted I'm the flyest bum you'll ever meet, but still a bum nonetheless. I spend my days trying to fill these void instead of filling out applications. One of the main reasons why I'm having a hard time searching for employment opportunities is because I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. Sadly, that lie that just left my lips will become my reality if I continue to embrace it. I know exactly what I want to do but don't believe in myself enough to do it. A while back I tried to start my own accessory line.  After being scammed by the distributor and constantly struggling to find a reliable supplier, I've lost hope. They say the dream is free but the hustle is sold separately. Unfortunately, I don't have enough coins or confidence to purchase the hustle right now. I wonder if life has a layaway plan...

Instead of trying to keep my dreams alive, I've been trying to keep up with the Joneses and fit into the cookie cutter image that this city has suggested. Atlanta, better known as Black Hollywood, appears to suffer from identity deprivation. The majority of women seem to look alike and I definitely don't fit in. I awake daily to apply a full face of make up and curl my hair to perfection. However, no matter how snatched I think I am, I still feel like my weave will never be long enough nor my booty plump enough to be able to receive their stamp of approval.

To avoid the disappointment of not fulfilling my dreams and the standards of their society, I drown my sorrows in bottles of sweet wine as well as Michael's sweet saliva. I really wish Usher was here to pound this pain away but getting lost in Michael's kisses shall have to suffice for now. I've been trying to avoid getting physical with him though because he's Judy's best friend and my homegirls keep telling me it's a conflict of interest. They may be right, especially if their friend zone is set up the way Stefan's and mine is. Besides, he'd just be another obstacle distracting me from my ultimate goals. I'm doing just fine getting in my own way and I don't need anyone's help to further complicate the situation. So until I can stir up enough strength to chase after my dream, I will continue masking this empty feeling with mascara and Moscato.


“Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?” ― Ian Wallace

Day 1 in the A

I’m here! After a nine hour drive full of lane switching, snacks and Siri’s horrible sense of direction, I’m finally here! Sitting in the car for several hours was extremely lonely so hearing a few familiar voices along the way significantly helped reduced that feeling. When I wasn’t on the phone with my loved ones, I was alternating between listening to Joel Osteen CDs and the Aaliyah Pandora Radio station. I tried to make sure I was surrounded by some type of noise at all times. The slightest bit of silence would’ve allowed me to ponder my life choices which is something I’ve been avoiding lately. The fear that I could’ve possibly made the wrong decision has been haunting me for the past few days. I probably would’ve turned around and drove back home if I allowed the silence to settle in for too long. The noise protected me from doubting myself which is something I do all too often. On top of me questioning my choices, I was wondering if Judy was regretting her choice of letting me stay with her for a couple of months. When I finally made it to her house I was expecting her to be a little happier to see me. She seemed to be more worried about swiftly closing the door so no bugs would get in the house. *Chuckles* So much for a warm welcome. Eventually we moved past talking about insects and began to discuss more interesting creatures…..men!

In the midst of us swapping stories, Michael texted me asking if I made it to his city safely. Oh, did I forget to mention that I have hoes in different area codes? Judy introduced me to Michael last year when I flew to ATL for her bday party. We exchanged numbers and Instagram likes which according to social media means we “go together”. In real life he’s just a friend of a friend, whatever that means. I finally texted back asking him to come over and give me a proper welcome. At this point I already knew I was setting myself up for failure.

Judy ended up going to bed early which left Michael and I with nothing but space and opportunity. At first we sat on opposite ends of the couch and flirtatiously joked around with each other. Eventually we moved from our respective ends and met in the middle for the world’s most intense make out session. My lips were chapped from the constant intertwining. My Stunt Double had zero chill and apparently left all her “effs” on the highway. She kept gently caressing his body and encouraging him reciprocate. We finally managed to break free from each other’s spell long enough for me to tell him that I was ready to go to bed. I’m glad he was a gentleman and didn’t take my saying that as an invitation for him to join me. Although he managed to behave this time, I have a feeling he’s not going to let me get away that easy again. What have I gotten myself into? *Sigh* stay tuned because this is only Day 1.

“Y.O.L.O.”- Drake

No Friend Zone! They Knooowww Better

I'm happy to report that I haven’t cried in the last few days! It’s a good thing too because those puffy eyes were starting to compromise my sexy. Anyway, I have a situation that needs to be dealt with. This morning I found myself weighing the pros and cons of making a few swaps in my friend zone. Do y’all remember Cory? Well I’m glad y’all do because he’s been looking real unfamiliar lately. Drake wasn’t lying when he said people can go from 0 to 100 real quick; accept Cory and I are doing it in reverse. A short while ago I was worried that we were spending too much unnecessary time together. Now he has successfully channeled his inner Casper and has been ghost. Oh well. Congratulations sir, you have officially been inducted into the Friend Zone. There is no membership fee associated with your new position. You watching me be someone else’s muse will be payment enough! Yeah, I’m mad.

Speaking of muses, I would be remiss not mention my best friend Stefan Urquelle. Stefan is somewhat of a nerd with more stylish attire and a dope personality. He tends to fill the void of what I’m missing in my other relationships. Sometimes I get the impression that he wouldn’t mind filling a few other “voids” if you know what I mean. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give him all-access passes my water/amusement park though. However, my alter ego (often referred to as my Stunt Double) has been curious about him for a while now. She’s been plotting and scheming on ways to help him break free from the infamous friend zone but Genesis constantly advises against it. Our friendship is too special for me to even consider ruining it. I’m not interested in being his girlfriend and who knows what type of “situation-ships” my Stunt Double will rope me into when I get to Atlanta. More importantly, I’m no good at regular relationships so handling a long distance one is completely out of the question. I think it’s best that we just remain best friends. We can still be Bonnie and Clyde; we’ll just have to do so without the felonies or the feelings.

“Being in the friend zone is just like being front row at an awesome concert…except you’re deaf”~Anonymous

Genesis's Going Away Party

My going away party was everything! This morning’s headache was a continuous reminder of how real the turn up was. I woke up tipsy and felt like I had been run over by a U-Haul. This is definitely not what Beyoncé meant when she sang, “I woke up like this”. In addition, I couldn’t decipher whether my legs felt so sore because of all the twerking or because my action figure decided he wanted to be an acrobat the other night. Either way, I need to get my life!

In the midst of me trying to verbally convince the room to stop spinning, I realized I only had fifteen minutes before the charity truck would arrive. At this point, I was nowhere near ready to re-enter the realms of civilization. However, it was my mistake to schedule an early morning furniture pick up for the day after my going away party. That charitable deduction is going to be love during tax season though! After the truck carried away my couches and all the memories that were made on them, I sat in my empty one bedroom apartment alone. As I began to scroll through my phone to review the evidence of last night’s shenanigans, I got a tad bit emotional. Tears rolled down my face as I thought about how this could be the last time I would see some of my friends. Luckily my moment of sadness was interrupted by my hunger pangs. To ensure that I would be able to fit into my party attire, I’ve been on an air and water diet this whole week. The lack of nourishment was well worth it because I thoroughly slayed my Instagram posts!

Needless to say as we begin to inch closer to my moving date, I’m starting to feel some type of way. As much as I’m going to miss all of my friends and family, I can’t ignore the fact that I want more than the Midwest has to offer right now. Hopefully, I’ll find what I’m looking for in Atlanta because sometimes I feel like there’s nothing left for me here.

“When you’re the most happening person at the party, it’s time to leave” ~Kelly Cutrone

Leaving The Faux Boos Behind

So there’s this guy…..well actually there are two guys: Usher and Cory Matthews. I tend to give my boos celebrity or character nicknames so please know that I’m not talking about the real Usher Raymond. I can see theTMZ headlines now, “Usher’s shoe fanatic faux boo
moves in with ex wife in ATL”. I don’t need those type of problems. Anyway, I’ve known Usher since college but we recently almost had a “love in this club” experience which opened the door to regular entertainment. This man is so fine! His small dimple drives me crazy and his lips get me in to trouble every single time. Did I mention how gorgeous his body is? His chest, arms and abs are reminiscent of a my-size action figure. If you can’t tell by now, my relationship with Usher is strictly physical. He’s the definition of a good time! Now my relationship with Cory Matthews is the complete opposite. He’s very affectionate but we always manage to keep on our clothes. Cory is very smart and handsome but kind of reminds me of the boy next door. He doesn’t really fit in nor does he try to. I like him a lot actually but there are some inconsistencies in what he says and what he does.

Lately, both Usher and Cory have been trying to spend a significant amount of time with me before I move to ATL but I don’t really see the point. Neither one is providing the ideal relationship scenario and in a few days none of this will even matter. In the midst of preparing to relocate, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and trying to figure out what it is that I really want. Honestly, I don’t even know what my ideal relationship scenario is. I just know that I’m not interested in being a girlfriend. Never again will I put all of my eggs in one basket unless I’m engaged to be married. I know that sounds like hashtag “ Things Hurt Women Say,” so I’m interested to see how and if this move will change my perspective on relationships.

“Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one.” ~Anonymous

The Countdown

In a few days I will be packing up my life (most importantly my shoes) and moving to Atlanta. Over the past few months, I’ve been sharing my plans of relocating with relatives and acquaintances. I’ve been getting questioned left and right but the most popular inquiries consist of asking me if I’m moving for a job or for a man. Well the answers to those questions are “or nah”. Have you ever felt like you are living the same day twice? I feel like that all the time so I decided to quit my job, give all my furniture to charity and leave the only life that I have known to travel to unfamiliar territory. From the outside looking in there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to leave all of my family and friends, especially since I don’t have a concrete plan. However, if I wait until I get all of my ducks lined up in a row I might not ever leave. So stay tuned as I will be documenting the different experiences that I will encounter over the next few months of this journey. Hopefully my story will serve as a blueprint to help someone maneuver through something similar in the future.

“You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.” ~Michelle Obama