I need a BAEcation

The guys here are different to say the least. I ventured out to Perimeter Mall the other day and counted at least 10 homosexuals in the 30 minutes that I was there. I couldn't stay long because my gaydar was about to shut down from information overload. Thank God my spidey senses actually work now because Lord knows I've been wrong before.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic at all. I actually enjoy a little gay energy every now and then. Their compliments make you feel like a billion bucks. A "Yaaassss Honey" from a gay man is a certified seal of approval! Although they are good for self esteem and entertainment purposes, they can not give me the male attention that my body is currently yearning for.

Lately, I've been experimenting with Tinder which to me is the world's most shallow matchmaking app. It's a platform for boredom and thirst in my opinion. It connects its users' Facebook profiles and allows the interested parties to send each other messages. The messaging section is filled with non witty comments and pleas to exchange phone numbers. Needless to say I'm extremely unimpressed with my matches (or Tinderonis as my friends and I like to call them). Judy is not a fan of social dating apps so she's been doing her due diligence to introduce me to some of the guys in her crew. The problem here is that most of these dudes have already smashed her homies. I know that Judy's friends are not necessarily my friends but I don't want to bump va jays jays with any female that will eventually be a part of my kick it circle.  That's extremely messy and I don't need that type of drama in my life. So with Tinder and these introductions being an epic fail, I have nothing left to do but fantasize about my faux boo.

Usher and I used to have a standing appointment every Tuesday. It's been exactly a month since the last time I mounted his Black Beauty and the withdrawal symptoms are definitely starting to kick it.  Oh how I've missed our weekly Turned Up Tuesday sessions. In preparation for our encounters I had to do a lot of stretching. That man use to fold me up like origami pieces and I loved every minute of it. I also made sure to eat fruit and drink plenty of water so that I would be deliciously moist for out upcoming appointment. I thoroughly enjoyed satisfying his sweet tooth with my tasty chocolate cake. Hmm maybe living in the Midwest wasn't so bad. Maybe I should have stuck it out, at least until cuffing season was over. Here I go doubting myself again. My lack of physical satisfaction has me all in my feelings. Hopefully I'll meet someone with potential soon. If not, I'll be on the first flight back to enjoy my own personal Usher concert!

The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs- D.H. Lawrence 

See The Way My Bank Account Is Set Up

I’ve been in Atlanta for a little over two weeks now and I’ve found myself experiencing writer’s block. There hasn’t been a lot of interesting adventures for me to write about lately because I do the same thing every single day. The whole point of this move was to step outside of my comfort zone, not to pack it up and take it with me. My daily routine basically includes reading my bible, going to the gym then searching for employment. Although most of those activities enhance me spiritually and physically, I doubt I can deposit those enhancements into my bank account. Your girl is going to need some coins very soon if I want to be able to live comfortably. Atlanta is so far from being a cheap city it’s ridiculous.

So until I can find a full time gig with benefits I may need to dabble in a few part time positions. But what is there to do? What am I qualified for? I guess I could be an exotic dancer. I’m an aspiring twerkoholic anyway. I have the stripper kick down but my ability to throw my assets in a circle is not up to par. Plus I’m only sexy on accident. When I actually try to be sexy it never works out in my favor. I can just see myself sliding and falling off the pole because I put on baby oil before my performance. And we’re not even going to talk about my lack of upper body strength. However, I signed up for a pole dancing class this weekend and if they put a gold star by my name, you may see me in a strip joint near you.

I also contemplated being a flight attendant. This would be a perfect way for me to fly back to see my family and friends for free! However, I don’t know how I feel about being couped up with a bunch of strangers with no easy escape route. I’m currently in the honesty phase of my life and I’ve realized that I don’t like a lot people for real. I just don’t have enough fake energy to maintain a bubbly personality all day. On top of that I’m not sure the airlines would pay me enough to deal with the different attitudes that I might encounter. Last but not least, I’m afraid of heights so my fantasy of being a sexy Stewardess has gone completely out the window unless it’s this year’s Halloween costume.

Being a club promoter or a personal trainer also crossed my mind but I’m definitely not built for that either. I always feel thoroughly disrespected when someone hands me a flyer after the club. I usually have my keys in one hand and my phone in the other trying to figure out which one of my boos is still up. The flyer gets all in my way and usually ends up in the floor anyway. Why would I now consider being one of those people that ruins the post club choosery experience? In order to become a personal trainer I would have to be, I don’t know….fit! Don’t get me wrong, I’m fierce in the worst way but I still jiggle in some places that shall remain nameless. Also, if my trainee is fine I may or may not get in trouble for indecent exposure. If these are the only part time options that I can think of, my life is not headed towards greatness. I need to figure something out though because time is winding down and so is my bank account.

"Bandz a make her dance"-Juicy J

Squares in their Circle

After being in ATL for almost a week my accomplishments include taking selfies, sipping wine, avoiding the walk of shame and successfully slipping away from a lesbian's grasp. At this very moment I'm feeling like a certified bum. Now granted I'm the flyest bum you'll ever meet, but still a bum nonetheless. I spend my days trying to fill these void instead of filling out applications. One of the main reasons why I'm having a hard time searching for employment opportunities is because I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. Sadly, that lie that just left my lips will become my reality if I continue to embrace it. I know exactly what I want to do but don't believe in myself enough to do it. A while back I tried to start my own accessory line.  After being scammed by the distributor and constantly struggling to find a reliable supplier, I've lost hope. They say the dream is free but the hustle is sold separately. Unfortunately, I don't have enough coins or confidence to purchase the hustle right now. I wonder if life has a layaway plan...

Instead of trying to keep my dreams alive, I've been trying to keep up with the Joneses and fit into the cookie cutter image that this city has suggested. Atlanta, better known as Black Hollywood, appears to suffer from identity deprivation. The majority of women seem to look alike and I definitely don't fit in. I awake daily to apply a full face of make up and curl my hair to perfection. However, no matter how snatched I think I am, I still feel like my weave will never be long enough nor my booty plump enough to be able to receive their stamp of approval.

To avoid the disappointment of not fulfilling my dreams and the standards of their society, I drown my sorrows in bottles of sweet wine as well as Michael's sweet saliva. I really wish Usher was here to pound this pain away but getting lost in Michael's kisses shall have to suffice for now. I've been trying to avoid getting physical with him though because he's Judy's best friend and my homegirls keep telling me it's a conflict of interest. They may be right, especially if their friend zone is set up the way Stefan's and mine is. Besides, he'd just be another obstacle distracting me from my ultimate goals. I'm doing just fine getting in my own way and I don't need anyone's help to further complicate the situation. So until I can stir up enough strength to chase after my dream, I will continue masking this empty feeling with mascara and Moscato.


“Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?” ― Ian Wallace

Day 1 in the A

I’m here! After a nine hour drive full of lane switching, snacks and Siri’s horrible sense of direction, I’m finally here! Sitting in the car for several hours was extremely lonely so hearing a few familiar voices along the way significantly helped reduced that feeling. When I wasn’t on the phone with my loved ones, I was alternating between listening to Joel Osteen CDs and the Aaliyah Pandora Radio station. I tried to make sure I was surrounded by some type of noise at all times. The slightest bit of silence would’ve allowed me to ponder my life choices which is something I’ve been avoiding lately. The fear that I could’ve possibly made the wrong decision has been haunting me for the past few days. I probably would’ve turned around and drove back home if I allowed the silence to settle in for too long. The noise protected me from doubting myself which is something I do all too often. On top of me questioning my choices, I was wondering if Judy was regretting her choice of letting me stay with her for a couple of months. When I finally made it to her house I was expecting her to be a little happier to see me. She seemed to be more worried about swiftly closing the door so no bugs would get in the house. *Chuckles* So much for a warm welcome. Eventually we moved past talking about insects and began to discuss more interesting creatures…..men!

In the midst of us swapping stories, Michael texted me asking if I made it to his city safely. Oh, did I forget to mention that I have hoes in different area codes? Judy introduced me to Michael last year when I flew to ATL for her bday party. We exchanged numbers and Instagram likes which according to social media means we “go together”. In real life he’s just a friend of a friend, whatever that means. I finally texted back asking him to come over and give me a proper welcome. At this point I already knew I was setting myself up for failure.

Judy ended up going to bed early which left Michael and I with nothing but space and opportunity. At first we sat on opposite ends of the couch and flirtatiously joked around with each other. Eventually we moved from our respective ends and met in the middle for the world’s most intense make out session. My lips were chapped from the constant intertwining. My Stunt Double had zero chill and apparently left all her “effs” on the highway. She kept gently caressing his body and encouraging him reciprocate. We finally managed to break free from each other’s spell long enough for me to tell him that I was ready to go to bed. I’m glad he was a gentleman and didn’t take my saying that as an invitation for him to join me. Although he managed to behave this time, I have a feeling he’s not going to let me get away that easy again. What have I gotten myself into? *Sigh* stay tuned because this is only Day 1.

“Y.O.L.O.”- Drake

No Friend Zone! They Knooowww Better

I'm happy to report that I haven’t cried in the last few days! It’s a good thing too because those puffy eyes were starting to compromise my sexy. Anyway, I have a situation that needs to be dealt with. This morning I found myself weighing the pros and cons of making a few swaps in my friend zone. Do y’all remember Cory? Well I’m glad y’all do because he’s been looking real unfamiliar lately. Drake wasn’t lying when he said people can go from 0 to 100 real quick; accept Cory and I are doing it in reverse. A short while ago I was worried that we were spending too much unnecessary time together. Now he has successfully channeled his inner Casper and has been ghost. Oh well. Congratulations sir, you have officially been inducted into the Friend Zone. There is no membership fee associated with your new position. You watching me be someone else’s muse will be payment enough! Yeah, I’m mad.

Speaking of muses, I would be remiss not mention my best friend Stefan Urquelle. Stefan is somewhat of a nerd with more stylish attire and a dope personality. He tends to fill the void of what I’m missing in my other relationships. Sometimes I get the impression that he wouldn’t mind filling a few other “voids” if you know what I mean. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give him all-access passes my water/amusement park though. However, my alter ego (often referred to as my Stunt Double) has been curious about him for a while now. She’s been plotting and scheming on ways to help him break free from the infamous friend zone but Genesis constantly advises against it. Our friendship is too special for me to even consider ruining it. I’m not interested in being his girlfriend and who knows what type of “situation-ships” my Stunt Double will rope me into when I get to Atlanta. More importantly, I’m no good at regular relationships so handling a long distance one is completely out of the question. I think it’s best that we just remain best friends. We can still be Bonnie and Clyde; we’ll just have to do so without the felonies or the feelings.

“Being in the friend zone is just like being front row at an awesome concert…except you’re deaf”~Anonymous

Genesis's Going Away Party

My going away party was everything! This morning’s headache was a continuous reminder of how real the turn up was. I woke up tipsy and felt like I had been run over by a U-Haul. This is definitely not what Beyoncé meant when she sang, “I woke up like this”. In addition, I couldn’t decipher whether my legs felt so sore because of all the twerking or because my action figure decided he wanted to be an acrobat the other night. Either way, I need to get my life!

In the midst of me trying to verbally convince the room to stop spinning, I realized I only had fifteen minutes before the charity truck would arrive. At this point, I was nowhere near ready to re-enter the realms of civilization. However, it was my mistake to schedule an early morning furniture pick up for the day after my going away party. That charitable deduction is going to be love during tax season though! After the truck carried away my couches and all the memories that were made on them, I sat in my empty one bedroom apartment alone. As I began to scroll through my phone to review the evidence of last night’s shenanigans, I got a tad bit emotional. Tears rolled down my face as I thought about how this could be the last time I would see some of my friends. Luckily my moment of sadness was interrupted by my hunger pangs. To ensure that I would be able to fit into my party attire, I’ve been on an air and water diet this whole week. The lack of nourishment was well worth it because I thoroughly slayed my Instagram posts!

Needless to say as we begin to inch closer to my moving date, I’m starting to feel some type of way. As much as I’m going to miss all of my friends and family, I can’t ignore the fact that I want more than the Midwest has to offer right now. Hopefully, I’ll find what I’m looking for in Atlanta because sometimes I feel like there’s nothing left for me here.

“When you’re the most happening person at the party, it’s time to leave” ~Kelly Cutrone

Leaving The Faux Boos Behind

So there’s this guy…..well actually there are two guys: Usher and Cory Matthews. I tend to give my boos celebrity or character nicknames so please know that I’m not talking about the real Usher Raymond. I can see theTMZ headlines now, “Usher’s shoe fanatic faux boo
moves in with ex wife in ATL”. I don’t need those type of problems. Anyway, I’ve known Usher since college but we recently almost had a “love in this club” experience which opened the door to regular entertainment. This man is so fine! His small dimple drives me crazy and his lips get me in to trouble every single time. Did I mention how gorgeous his body is? His chest, arms and abs are reminiscent of a my-size action figure. If you can’t tell by now, my relationship with Usher is strictly physical. He’s the definition of a good time! Now my relationship with Cory Matthews is the complete opposite. He’s very affectionate but we always manage to keep on our clothes. Cory is very smart and handsome but kind of reminds me of the boy next door. He doesn’t really fit in nor does he try to. I like him a lot actually but there are some inconsistencies in what he says and what he does.

Lately, both Usher and Cory have been trying to spend a significant amount of time with me before I move to ATL but I don’t really see the point. Neither one is providing the ideal relationship scenario and in a few days none of this will even matter. In the midst of preparing to relocate, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and trying to figure out what it is that I really want. Honestly, I don’t even know what my ideal relationship scenario is. I just know that I’m not interested in being a girlfriend. Never again will I put all of my eggs in one basket unless I’m engaged to be married. I know that sounds like hashtag “ Things Hurt Women Say,” so I’m interested to see how and if this move will change my perspective on relationships.

“Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one.” ~Anonymous

The Countdown

In a few days I will be packing up my life (most importantly my shoes) and moving to Atlanta. Over the past few months, I’ve been sharing my plans of relocating with relatives and acquaintances. I’ve been getting questioned left and right but the most popular inquiries consist of asking me if I’m moving for a job or for a man. Well the answers to those questions are “or nah”. Have you ever felt like you are living the same day twice? I feel like that all the time so I decided to quit my job, give all my furniture to charity and leave the only life that I have known to travel to unfamiliar territory. From the outside looking in there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to leave all of my family and friends, especially since I don’t have a concrete plan. However, if I wait until I get all of my ducks lined up in a row I might not ever leave. So stay tuned as I will be documenting the different experiences that I will encounter over the next few months of this journey. Hopefully my story will serve as a blueprint to help someone maneuver through something similar in the future.

“You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.” ~Michelle Obama