Identity Theft

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Somewhere along the drive from the Midwest to Georgia I lost my identity. The same Genesis that was a frequent church goer now makes frequent trips to the liquor store. Judy and I visit a different service every Sunday in hopes of finding a home church. Sadly, our Atlanta Church Tour has proven to be unsuccessful. I can't really find a church that I can connect with. I'm not sure if it's because I miss my home church or because I've fallen so far from glory that I'm unable to feel comfortable around other believers. My light is no longer shining brightly like theirs is. Mine is kind of flickering like ol' dude from The Last Dragon when he was about to fight Bruce Leroy.  I need Jesus more than ever right now!

My actions over the course of the past few weeks have been completely and utterly reckless. Although Jay-Z's tongue seems to be a pleasurable weapon of mass destruction, I shouldn't have allowed him to taste me so quickly. I've done some pretty off the wall things in my life but giving my body to a "stranger" takes the cake. I really like him but I'm afraid his image of me has been distorted. The other day I didn't respond to his Good Morning text so he followed up with a message that read: " Lol. I'm used to hearing from you in the morning so when I don't, I think you twerked and drank the night away". I was so embarrassed. Even though he began his text with an official "lol", which is normally used to numb the effect of the upcoming blow, my conscious was still disturbed. He can't be blamed for his ill perception of me because that's what I've been putting out in the atmosphere. I've drank about 15 bottles of wine in the 7 weeks I've been here. And the fact that he knows I take pole and floor dance classes every week is not helping either. I yearn for his acceptance but I believe my ratchetness is going to run him away sooner or later. In an attempt to try to avoid the future pain and embarrassment of losing him, I've been occupying my mind and my time with other men.

The last time I partied at Edgewood, my soror introduced me to her boyfriend's fraternity brother. He's tall with chocolate skin and dimples. He also has a strong, square chin that is reminiscent of a Super Hero's. I'd sign up to be Klark Kent's damsel in distress any day.  Apparently he had been asking my soror about me since the first time we met. She knew I was curious too so she set up a little get together for us to accidentally run into each other again. As soon as we locked eyes I knew I was in trouble. I have a horrible sweet tooth and chocolate has always been my choice of indulgence.  Klark poured me a drink then poured on the charm. I could tell that he's never been tamed by a woman and the idea of that challenge thoroughly intrigued me. After a few drinks we ended up  tasting each other's lips. The shenanigans surely continued for the rest of the night. There I was in the middle of the club kissing, grinding and rubbing on this chocolate man. He took my hand and moved it slowly down the imprint in his jeans. I felt like the Energizer Bunny because my hand kept going and going and going. He's blessed! I couldn't help but fantasize about all of the dope decisions that I could make with this third leg that I just discovered. The lack of discretion was somewhat alarming. Why was I so comfortable being "that" girl? Is this who I've become? I often feel like I'm taking selfies in a dirty, cracked mirror. My image tainted and my confidence is shattered. Unfortunately they haven't invented the filter that can cover up emotional scars yet. 

"I'm only a Sunday church party girl in a twisted ménage trios with a director and a rockstar!"

Situationships

I think Jay-Z is really in to me! We exchanged numbers on Friday night before I "played footsie" with the toe sucker. Jay-Z already had plans for Saturday but asked if he could take me on a date on Sunday after church. I was super excited. It felt good to be asked on a real date instead of being asked to just hang out. We went spiked punch tasting. As much wine as I drink you would think that my tolerance would be higher than it is. I was beyond tipsy at the tasting but managed to maintain my sexy by not stumbling over my words or my own two feet. One of the punches reminded me of the drink my Granny makes for us at Christmas dinner. She ain't slick! I had a feeling she was putting more than just pineapple juice in there. Although I wasn't acting a hot drunken mess, he could tell that I was feeling the alcohol so he took me to dinner to sober me up. He had the nerve to pay for dinner as well as pay attention! I know I shouldn't be this surprised but Gentleman are an endangered species nowadays. 

After dinner, we went back to his place for a night cap. Two movies, several forehead kisses and a back rub later, it was clear that I wouldn't be sleeping in my own bed that night. He kept his hands to himself but told me the dopest bed time story ever!  It consisted of his attraction for me and the things that he would do to me if given the opportunity. His words were reminiscent of the Phenomenal Woman poem; except his version had popped a few esctasy pills. My excitement leaked through my laced underwear as well as the basketball shorts that he let me borrow. It was clear that we both wanted the same thing but Genesis was in full control that night and didn't allow anything to happen. 

A couple of days later my presence was requested for another movie night. After 45 minutes of Siri's shenanigans, I finally made it to his place. He greeted me with a big hug and a kiss. We tried to watch the movie but it didn't end up working in our favor. We did, however, make love faces until about three in the morning. This was not supposed to happen. I'm in between waxes so my "lioness" was not as tamed as it needed to be. That didn't stop him though. He was fearless and definitely came dressed for battle. After we celebrated the triumph, I hopped in the shower to cleanse myself of my most recent impurities. I found myself laughing audibly about the irony that I had already named him Jay-Z. His reaction to my head game was equivalent to the Drunk In Love verse, "I do say it's the ish, if I do say so myself". But my laughter was soon silenced by what I like to call Basic Female Syndrome (BFS). It's when chicks feel the need to ask unnecessary questions like, "so what are we"? I've known this man for all of five minutes so I'd feel stupid asking him where this is going. A part of me was already feeling dumb for giving it up so easily and didn't need another dagger in my self esteem. However my Stunt Double was satisfied with life and went to bed without a care in the world. 

The morning after is always tricky. I got up, got dressed and left his apartment quickly as if I were late to work something. It reminded me of an episode of Martin because he was looking at me like "you ain't got no job man"! When I got home I looked at my phone to find a text message from him saying "You're amazing! I can't wait to see you on Thursday". Shoont! I forgot we had already made plans to watch Scandal prior to me letting him explore my body. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with him again so soon. I didn't want him to expect anything or think that this is more than what it really is. Although my experiences with him have been wonderfully delicious, it doesn't negate the fact that we met about a week ago *insert shmoney dance here*. In Steve Harvey's best selling book, Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady, he basically tells women that until your boo has truly fulfilled his destiny as a man, he will be too busy to focus on you. Well clearly the roles have reversed and I'm temporarily sabotaging myself because I'm not satisfied with my life. I've finally been receiving some positive feedback on my applications, but until I have a guaranteed salary and an insurance package I won't be able to fully focus on one man. Darn! So much for trying to turn a hoe into a Real Housewife of Atlanta. 

"Situationship (n.): dynamics that are based on sexual compatibility, habit, and fear of loneliness"

12-Hour Excursion

The issue with my tire had me all types of depressed. My car is the only thing around here that keeps me sane. It helps me get out the house after a long day of solitude and self reflection. I really didn't want to spend my Friday night feeling sorry for myself so I asked Judy if I could borrow her car. She obliged and by 10 pm I was "snatched" and headed out the door. My soror asked me to pick up Shemar Moore on my way to her apartment. There's only one word to describe Shemar.....Yum! He is light skin with pretty eyes and runs his own small business. Um where do I sign up? Within a few minutes of us being together I could tell there was a mutual attraction. This could be dangerous. As soon as we got in his apartment, he took off his shirt and walked around a few times pretending to look for something to wear. I knew his real motive and thanked him silently under my breath for the eye candy. The car ride was full of compliments and intelligent conversation. By the time we got to our destination I was feeling a little special. However, that feeling was short lived once I found out that all the compliments and energy he was giving me was far from being exclusive. He's a flirt and a good one at that. This was very evident by the smiles that he put on all the girls faces that night. I'm a flirt too so his actions didn't bother me. Especially since I was catching the attention of a few other guys that night as well.

After my crew took their rounds of tequila shots, we decided to head to the bars on Edgewood. We linked up with two other gentleman along the way. One of them basically ended up being Bae the whole night. I call him Jay-Z because he's grown and is about his business but still knows how to turn up! Plus, he's by far the dopest dude I've met in ATL since I've been here. We engaged in small talk as we waited to get inside the bar.  He used the crowded line as an opportunity to get close and accidentally rub up against me. I had no complaints. When we finally got inside the bar I couldn't seem to keep my booty off of him. Twerking has been a habit as of late. After about three solid twerk session he's whispering in my ear trying to get me to leave with him. Although talks of calling Uber and going to Waffle House sound enticing, it's best that we stay with the group. Besides it was about 4:00 AM and nothing holy nor acceptable happens at those hours of the night.

About an hour later we all finally got back to my soror's apartment. The crew dispersed and went their separate ways but I was exhausted so driving back to my place was completely out of the question. I found myself faced with the choice of sharing a bed with my soror or sharing the couch with Shemar. Of course my Stunt Double picked the second option. Two is her favorite number so it was only right. Besides, I figured we would just cuddle until we fell asleep but apparently he had other plans for me. He grabbed my ankles, pulled me toward him and began sucking my toes! I had no idea what was going on but was thoroughly thankful that I had gotten a pedicure earlier that week. The toe sucking experience was a great one but I felt like we weren't on the same page about what would happen next. In the midst of me slowly trying to remove myself from the situation I heard him unzip his zipper. Nervous energy overwhelmed my body. He grabbed my feet again and gently used them to give himself a foot job. This was my first time experiencing this style of sex. I love trying new things so I allowed him to temporarily use my feet for his pleasure. Sadly, this new experience didn't turn me on at all so I gave him the "let's not and say we did" speech then just went to sleep. I could tell he was salty but at that point I was just too tired to care. We returned back to our side of town around 10:00AM the next morning. He said less than five words to me the whole way back to his apartment. He claimed it was because he was sleepy but I know the truth. Dudes are quick to catch an attitude when you don't give them want they want. And I'm quick to cut people off when they start acting funny so it seems to me that this is a win win situation. Oh well, on to the next one.

It's a no text zone, it's a no sex zone, it's a no flex zone-Nicki Minaj

Displaced

The city of Atlanta houses many of the corporate offices for some of the top corporations in the United States. Earlier this week I received notification that my application to the headquarters of a fast food joint had been rejected. How does that happen? I mean seriously! Fast food is the guaranteed go to job when you're searching for employment. I understand the corporate office holds individuals to higher standards but I never imagined getting swiped denied by a fast food organization. I feel lower than low right now. It's not like I'm unqualified. I have a MBA for goodness sake! My pride won't let me call them and ask why they didn't want me. I need a drink in the worst way; however I've decided to abstain from wine this week after I drunk dialed Stephan and sent a tipsy text to my ex. Those drunken decisions are guaranteed to yield a couple of uncomfortable situations for me in the future. 

Speaking of uncomfortable situations, Judy dropped a bomb on me this week. More than likely she is going to be moving back to the Midwest very soon. She has a very legit reason for wanting to move. Honestly if I was in her situation I would leave too. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't selfishly sad right now though. She's been letting me occupy her guest bedroom so if she leaves before I have a job, I'm basically going to be homeless. Not to mention, she's my only friend here and I'll be super lonely when she's gone. I've already been missing my friends from back home but this makes me miss them that much more.

It also doesn't help that I've already been feeling like a half ass friend lately. My friend C.J. recently got engaged and I feel like crap because I can't be there to help her plan. I probably won't have enough money to fly back to watch her try on dresses or just help with the other regular best friend duties. She's always been there for all of my important moments and I feel like I'm dropping the ball right now. My other best friend, Destiny, is about to celebrate her bday and this will be the first time I won't be with her to hit our signature happy dance. All of my friends know that I treat birthdays like national holidays so the fact that I won't be there is eating me up on the inside.

So with no job, minimal local friends and potentially no where to stay, I must admit that I'm feeling a tad bit defeated. And on top of all that, I'm having issues with one of my tires and may need to buy a new one. That's an expense that I clearly wasn't prepared for.  I'm overwhelmed right now and just want to go to sleep. Prayerfully tonight's dreams will be better than today's reality.

Defeat should never be a source of discouragement but rather a fresh stimulus- Robert South